The Cliffs of Insanity

In my 20s, I went through a hard time - maybe a quarter life crisis?  I was starting my chosen profession with a ton of pressure, I was trying to figure out whether a work-life balance was possible, everything was a struggle, and I couldn't quite figure out what the hell was going on.  I had everything lined up perfectly, I had a job that many people would have killed for as a young lawyer, practicing the kind of law I wanted to practice, making great money, and I should have been 100% happy with what I had.

Instead, I was miserable - more miserable than I had ever been in my entire life. 

I have this clear memory of looking over the cliffs of insanity one morning during that time.  I was on the flip side of the crisis.  I was beginning to make some progress on why I was miserable and maybe was seeing a little light at the end of the tunnel.  But for whatever reason, that morning I felt like I had been sucked under again and was once again fighting the same old demons.  I was walking through my office that morning, and suddenly felt the razor-thin edge of sanity.  It was as simple as that.  The planks of reality that made up my foundation - the assumption that goals mattered, that there was a point to the things I did every day, that there was even a reason for anyone to care about this life - splintered for a a few seconds, and the only thing left was a roaring rushing wind in my head, and the feeling that I was about to go spinning out into a void.  It was an utterly desolate, despairing feeling, and it was hard to believe that I'd ever feel good - or feel anything, really - again. 

I've only felt something similar to that once or twice since that day, and while I'm grateful it doesn't happen often, it does remind me every now and then to re-examine my life.  That time - be it a depression, a crisis, an episode, whatever - occurred because I hadn't learned how to really examine my life and ask myself what I wanted, as opposed to what I thought I should want.  These are two very different things, and sometimes I need a reminder to really think through decisions I make, just to be certain that it is what I really want, and not just what I think I should want.  It's a small, but very important distinction.