In Which I Sound like a Four Year Old

Alternate Title:  Follow the Rules, Part 1.

I've been reminding myself lately of a four year old.  No, not because I've been throwing a bunch of tantrums (although apologies to J for the occasional ones I do throw).  But I feel like I've been asking "why" more than usual lately.

Starting with a book club discussion about Chua's Tiger Mom book, and threading through discussions with a coworker this week, I feel like I've questioned a lot of assumptions. 

The main context has been education and the expectations we put on our children.  Chua, in case you aren't familiar with her book, heaps huge expectations on her children to be "the best" at whatever activity they are pursuing - be it grades, music, public speaking, or anything else.  She strictly follows the rules for "Chinese parenting" and constantly pushes her girls to excel.  She spends hours daily with her girls, pushing them, prodding them, forcing them to achieve greater and greater success. 

In the same context, a coworker of mine worked very hard in applying for a highly competitive spot for her soon-to-be kindergartner in a nationally ranked elementary school.  100% of its graduates go on to college, quite often to Ivy League schools.  She found out last week that her son got in, and she's very excited and very happy about it.  

Neither of these are routes that J and I have followed.  I couldn't Chinese parent if I tried - I'm far too lazy for that.  And neither of us are big fans of private schools.  I spent elementary school in private school, but went to public from 7th grade on, and J did public his whole life.  I'm pretty sure we turned out ok...

But for some reason, these two things have made me question my choices for my kids.  And that's not necessarily a bad thing; sometimes decisions need revisiting.  When we started Benjamin at his school, it was with an understanding that this is kindergarten, not college.  If it doesn't work for him, we can change schools.

But every time I start to question the decisions I'm making, wonder if I shouldn't be pushing harder, expecting more, placing more emphasis on school work and how he's doing, I come back to one particular word - Why. 

Why is it assumed that chasing the grades in school, at the best possible school, is a good thing?  Because, after all, regardless of which school you go to, the private elementary, the neighborhood public school, whatever - the grades and test scores are the measure of success. 

Well, of course it's a good thing, right?  I mean, that's how you get into a good college, and that's how you get the job you want, and that's how you set yourself up for a good life.

But is that really the best way?  My kiddos can chase grades all they want, but if they are chasing grades just for the sake of getting good grades ... eventually that's going to end.  And there's so much emphasis on grades and testing, to the detriment of actually enjoying what you are studying.  I guess I'm just trying to figure out how much emphasis I want to put on getting good grades, and why it is such a default. 

Yes, good grades open all sorts of doors.  But opening doors just to be opening doors will be a hollow victory for them in the end, because real life has a far different grading scale than A through F. 

I'm just not sure what direction to go with this.  I suppose it's one of those "decisions in progress" where you just reevaluate often and hope you are making the right decisions.  Part of the fun of parenting, right?