Self Censorship

Went for a nice 6 mile run this morning, it was a beautiful run. I'm building up mileage right now after being injured for several months, and it's nice to start getting some longer runs in. I've not been running consistently for very long, only a little over a year, but I have come to enjoy the mental process that comes with the long runs - not to mention the post run meals and snackage!

One of the (many) things that crossed my mind on the run was something a friend of mine said the other day. She said that the only time she had ever felt free to say whatever she wanted was in college - the rest of her life, she's had to take into consideration her audience, the topic, whether she might be closing future doors, etc. It was almost like she was saying that college was the only time she's ever felt free to be who she really is.

I sort of rolled that thought around this morning, wondering what that means, exactly. I can remember times in my life where I would put many restrictions on my conversations with other people, sometimes to the point where I rarely said anything. Sometimes it was fear of being judged for what I was about to say, sometimes it was just feeling unqualified to add anything, sometimes it was disagreeing with the conversation but not wanting to rock the boat. This was often frustrating, and left me feeling on the edges of life.

At a certain point in my life, though, I feel like I sort of figured out who I was. I certainly don't have all the answers, nor do I think that once I've got that figured out, I'm never going to change. But I feel like once you've figured out who you really are, it becomes nearly impossible to revert to stifling your voice. If you are comfortable with who you are, what you think, what you believe in, it seems like the rest of the crap slides away.

That doesn't mean I never censor my thoughts. Hells no. There is a time and a place for various conversations, and there are some things that simply don't need to get said. The politics of life sort of dictate some tact, discretion, and the occasional silence. But does that sort of censoring mean you are not being true to who you really are? How do you know when your self censorship crosses a line from being tact or discretion to stifling your own voice?

Eh. That's probably too heavy a topic for a beautiful day. The Hogs won last night, a cool front is coming through, and there is good tennis on TV right now. Time to go enjoy...