Strangers

You know how sometimes you get into periods where life just rocks on along, everything is going fine, surface thinking is all you need, and the idea of getting into "heavier thoughts" is just unappealing? I'm pretty sure I've spent years there at certain times in my life - sometimes it's just what I need.

But sometimes, you're going along about life, minding your own business, and something unusual happens, some sort of crystallizing event, or maybe catalyst is a better word. Suddenly, you don't have any choice other than to delve back into the fray and try to sort things out, addressing issues that suddenly loom large although they may have been minor just a few days before. That's kind of where I've been for the last several weeks.

Even though I talked about wanting to do some deeper thinking back in September, I don't think I really went actively looking for some of the things that have hit my radar screen lately (contrary to popular belief, I really don't go looking for trouble). It just makes me wonder if by starting to think a little more deeply, I didn't manage to put a few things into motion. But although I have had some strange stuff hit the fan lately, a lot of it is not my story (which also means I'm not free to tell it). Regardless, there have been some unusual trains of thought and some interesting conversations, and that's the background for where this post is coming from.

I mentioned above the times where life is gliding forward, continuing along without any great disturbances or drama going on, and the days tend to fly past uneventfully. I really do believe these times are necessary in life - or at least, they are for me (I don't do drama very well). But I also think that during these times I get lulled into a comfortable complacency and forget that, even if there aren't any large changes, things are always in motion. And one day, reality rearranges itself and I look up and realize that there is a lot of strangeness around me. Relationships, where I am in my life, where I'm going - these all feel somewhat strange, and I need to reconnect and reexamine to make sure I'm happy with the path I'm on. I need to ask myself the hard questions, and pay attention to the answers.

I've had several very good, sometimes intense, conversations lately, and have been more than a little surprised by some of them. It feels a bit strange to put myself out there so much and tread on what is sort of unfamiliar ground. It has been a while - several years I guess - since I've had the kinds of conversations that stay with you for days. There is a lot of reward in these discussions and relationships that go deeper than the surface. Is there risk? Absolutely - there's always a risk that things will go in the wrong direction, something will explode, and pieces of your life will end up as shrapnel. I guess my (and maybe many people's?) default setting is self protection when it comes to conversations that are difficult to have. It's just easier to not have them, and the change that they can bring around is frightening.

At the same time, some of the most valuable relationships in my life have come into existence when I have taken on what I consider to be a great deal of risk and I have forced myself out of my comfort zone; ironically, the risk taking has resulted in friendships that are my "safe places" in life. It's not something I can do all the time; it's not practical and takes a good bit of energy to break out of the comfortable complacency. But every now and then I have to sit down and reevaluate and break things down again, and I feel very fortunate to have safe places in which to do that.

Heh. This post wandered very far afield from where I started it (and boy did it wander). I started out with the below two paragraphs, but as I wrote, they didn't fit in with what I apparently wanted to talk about. I'm going to leave them at the bottom of this post, though, because I very much loved the quote at the end. I just wasn't able to write about it today.

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I finally managed to get a run in yesterday, it had been way too long since the last one. I listened to a new podcast along the way, and heard something at the very end of the run that has been rattling around in my head ever since. The author of the podcast always inserts a song about halfway through whatever topic he is discussing that day - an intermission from his voice, I suppose. Yesterday's podcast contained a song and an excerpt from the musical group Black Lab, explaining the name for their current album,"Two Strangers." I'll quote from their blog here:

"yes, it's an album of love songs, but lovers are always strangers, always hiding themselves (whether they want to or not), always trying and failing to find out who the other really is, always trying to reveal themselves to the other but instead embellishing the mask. we are strangers to each other because we are strangers to ourselves. we don't see who we are and we don't want to see. we want to huddle with that one other person and build a world separate and different from the real world, one which is truer to the landscape of the heart. unfortunately, reality reasserts itself and tears that world apart. we are left with our vision in tatters, alone, estranged, then we either find a new stranger to love or we recognize that the person we love is, after all, a stranger - and we get interested all over again."
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