The Space Between

Way back in law school  (has it really been almost 10 years?), my constitutional law class discussed something called 'interstitial law'.  Interstitial law is created by the courts when they fill in gaps that were left by the Constitution and legislatures, even though that is not strictly the court's purview (courts are supposed to apply the law, not create it).  But our legislators (and our 200 year old Constitution) can't create a law for every single situation.  Essentially, then, the courts are filling in the cracks of the law, addressing new issues as they arise and creating laws and precedent to deal with them.

I always liked that concept, and the word "interstices" applies in more than just a legal context. It's a little vague, by definition - the undefined, the break, the space between. I think a lot of the interesting times in life happen in the spaces between.  We tend to think of our lives in chunks of time - the run I need to do today, the 8 hours I give to work, dinner preparation, laundry - all these discrete tasks that make up so much of our lives. But the small things that happen in the midst of our discrete activities are the things that really make our lives special and interesting. 

I used to thrive on a full schedule, a booked calendar that told me I was needed and important. The spaces between calendared events held time that could be filled with productive activities. So, true to form, even these spaces ended up scheduled and organized. It left no time for surprises or unexpected events. I sometimes wonder if this is the calling card of a Type A personality, this drive to stay productive and not "waste" a single second of the day.  At one point in my life, unscheduled time was "wasted" time that I could use to accomplish something in that ever-present drive to be productive. 

Perhaps inevitably, I burned out.  The satisfaction I once felt at having a full day scheduled turned eventually to irritation, then distaste, and then spite and fatigue.  I no longer had time to do the things I wanted to do; I was too busy doing the things I was supposed to be doing.  There was no space between in my life - there were too many discrete packets built into my days and I had forgotten why I was taking them on, anyway. 

So I opted out.  I stopped filling my calendar, I stepped back from some of the pressure I was putting on myself, and tried to "float" a little more.  It sounds funny to use that word, but that's how it feels sometimes when I have a good chunk of unscheduled time - I feel like I'm floating, being blown by the wind.  Sometimes it makes me antsy, nervous, and anxious because of all the things I should be doing.  But sometimes I'm able to slow down and just enjoy the time for what it is - time with my kids, time with a book, time for a good conversation with a friend that might not otherwise happen.  Time to pay attention to what's going on around me, instead of all the things I "should be doing" at any given time. 

This holiday was the first one in a long time that I didn't feel stressed.  Granted, some of that I owe to J because he did the vast majority of the shopping.  But I still had my own "to do" list, and I managed to get most of it done without a lot of stress.  We had several family members over on Christmas day, and it was a lot of fun; the kiddos were still in their pajamas at 3pm on Christmas day and my living room was a complete disaster area, but for whatever reason, I just didn't stress this year.  I was able to really enjoy the spaces between opening gifts and cooking mashed potatoes and focaccia bread for Christmas dinner, and I didn't feel like I needed to be accomplishing something every single second.  I took some pictures, helped the kiddos get into some of their toys (ok, that might have been a little stressful), talked to my family, and enjoyed the day, even if it got a little noisy at times.  Of course, it could have been J's killer hot buttered rum recipe that made the day feel easier than normal ... but I prefer to think that maybe I've learned to occasionally let go and look for the spaces between.