Addictive

Yesterday, B had to have some work done on his teeth (the result of a huge parenting fail), and his lower jaw was numb right around lunchtime.  Rather than take him back to school and have him drooling and unable to eat for the next few hours, I just took him home and let him have an off day.  I suppose one missed day of kindergarten won't ruin his permanent record...

When he was ready to eat, we hit one of the local fast food type places around here for lunch.  While we were eating, he commented on some folks he saw who were outside smoking. 

As an aside, neither of my kiddos has ever been around folks who smoke.  In fact, I realized just how different their childhood is from mine in that respect when they were old enough to ask "what is that person doing?"  It wasn't part of their everyday life.  The smell of nicotine is not going to be woven into their childhood memories, nor will the sound of a flicked lighter evoke any recollection other than perhaps a grill being lit. 

That's not to say that my household smoked - other than an occasional pipe, my dad didn't smoke (he saw too many patients with bad outcomes), and I've never seen my mom smoke a thing.  So my brother and I weren't exposed to it at home.  But we had relatives who smoked heavily, including my cousin who was smoking by the time he was 10 and addicted by the time he was 12.  We also had neighbors and friends who smoked heavily, so it was something that my brother and I grew up very familiar with.

When B commented on the folks who were smoking, I took a few minutes to talk to him about it.  My hope is that if we can start talking about stuff like that now, maybe I can keep the lines open later on, when the questions get harder and the answers get more complicated.

I talked to him about how smoking isn't healthy or good for our bodies, and how it is a choice that each person has to make.  I hit on addiction a little, and how that can make an impact on whether you are able to quit smoking if you want to.  I talked about family history and how that can affect the decisions you make.  And I tried to impress on him that while smoking itself is unhealthy, the people who do it are not bad people for that; they are simply making a decision for themselves.  I also talked about other things that can "make you feel good" for a little while but are not great for your body.

What I really wanted to tell him, and hopefully will tell both of them in a few years, was this:

"Kiddos, your family history is critically important here.  Each person reacts differently to substances that are addictive - be it cigarettes, alcohol, or other chemicals.  Some people can try something once and never go back, and some have no issue with occasional use and never have an issue.  But your family history suggests that you may be in the third group, the ones that are predisposed to slide into a major problem before they realize it.  You need to be aware of this before you decide to try anything.  Those opportunities will come up, and I want you to make your decisions with full awareness of what the results can be.

You've lost relatives that you should have known, due to addiction.  There was an amazing musician who also had a wonderful gift of making people laugh.  His children, my cousins, had to watch him grow sicker and sicker and finally blow away.  There was an aunt who lived on oxygen for several years, who grew more shriveled and emaciated each year but who could still spar verbally with anyone who dared cross her.  There is someone important to you now, whom you came within days of losing not long after you were born.  When you are old enough, you will hear that story, and nothing will be buried or hidden.  You need to know.

This story is no different from that of most families.  Be it alcohol, nicotine, drugs, whatever - everyone has been affected, or will be.  You need to be aware and have compassion, because overcoming something like an addiction is an incredibly hard, courageous thing to do, both for the one overcoming and for the supporters.  An addiction doesn't mean the person is bad or weak; nothing could be farther from the truth.  Addiction is equal opportunity, and it doesn't care what kind of person you are.

Even more importantly, though, you need to be aware that you could also be the one that goes down, the one who slides too far and can't get back up.  And if that happens, you will need help, and there will always be help available.  If you start to get worried, come talk to me - you will never find judgment here.  If you can't talk to me, talk to someone and take steps to get help. 

Better yet is to not end up there.  Be aware of your habits, your personality, and pay attention to yourself.  Make good decisions:  this is not just a genetics issue, you have the ability and responsibility to make good choices.  If you start to think you need help, get it before things get bad - that is never a bad decision.  With any luck, you will never have any issues and you'll wonder why I made such a big deal about this.  But you need to be aware that it is out there, and you need to know sooner rather than later."